Last week I was anxious and although I’m moving toward excitement, right now I’m spending time in melancholy. I’m in this state of melancholy because my son’s wedding (and other big life events) cause me to reflect on life. For me, this melancholy is about mellowness laced with a touch of sadness, wistfulness and even a bit of calmness. Calmness because it takes me out of my head and into my heart where memories and anticipations are linked.
I look at the three aloe plants in my kitchen and remember Grammy delivering an old flower pot filled with sandy dirt from her backyard with an aloe plant for soothing the hurts of my first toddler. Somehow I managed to keep that plant alive through 25 years of neglect. I almost lost it when I re-potted it in fertile soil to split into 3 plants for my 3 sons. But it survived and now I plan to keep the tradition alive by giving one to Megan, the mother of John’s imagined child.
The melancholy and imaginings of past and future remind me of who will be missing. Grammy & Poppa, such an integral part of John’s past life—and–who he is today. Their love for him was beyond unconditional and created the confident, caring man he is today by showing him what deep love really is. My parents won’t be there either and although they lived far away and my father missed most of John’s life, every time I watched John throw a pitch or swing a golf club, I knew “Killer” Honeck was there. I see Grandma Janice in his love of a good time, always ready to show his guests what a party can be.
A bit of the past will be at the wedding because it’s in John and our memories. And, a bit of the future will be there too as we imagine the days to come as Megan and John build their life together. So, here I am for now, straddling past and future, anxiety and excitement, with a brief, sweet stop in melancholy.